NPM: Dirty limericks

Happy Poetry Month, everybody. I'm just going to leave these here and walk away now.


From The Wordsworth Book of Limericks
(edited by Linda Marsh)


The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
 It's not worth the reading
 By persons of breeding——
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.

*          *          * 
 
A curious artist, Picasso:
His voice was remarkably basso,
 His balls were both cubic,
 His hair was all pubic.
Some thought him a bit of an arsehole.

*          *          *

A certain young man I'm not namin'
Asked an actress he thought was tamin'
 'Have you your maidenhead?'
 'Don't be silly!' she said,
'But I still have the box that it came in.'

*          *          *

Said an innocent girlie named Shelley
As her man rolled her on to her belly:
 'This is not the position
 For human coition
And why the petroleum jelly?'

*          *          * 

'Adultery,' said Joseph, 'is nice;
If once is all right——better twice.
 This doubling of rations
 Improves my sensations,
For the plural of "spouse," friend, is "spice".'

*          *          *

A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
 She had nowhere to turn,
 So she diddled a churn,
And managed to come with the butter.

*          *          * 

There once was a sensitive bride
Who ran when the groom she espied.
 When she looked at his swiver,
 They had to revive her,
But when he got it well in, she just sighed.

*          *          *

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Complacently stroking his madam,
 And great was his mirth,
 For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls——and he had 'em.

*          *          *

Pubic hair is put there for a reason
That is evident in the cold season:
 For the balls it's a muff,
 For the rod it's a ruff;
And it keeps the vagina from freezin'.

*          *          * 

There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss.
 For even with Venus
 His recalcitrant penis
Would seldom do better than t
                              h
                              i
                              s.

*          *          *

An ignorant maiden named Rewdid
Did something amazingly stupid:
 When her lover had spent
 She douched with cement
And gave birth to a statue of Cupid.

*          *          *

Said the bishop one day to the abbott,
Whose instincts were just like a rabbit:
 'I know it's great fun
 To embrace a young nun——
But you mustn't get into the habit.'

*          *          * 

A candid young lady named Tudor
Remarked to the chap who'd just screwed her,
 'After dildoes, dilators,
 And electric vibrators,
The real thing feels like an intruder.'

*          *          * 

A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
Whose overworked cunt is all callous,
 Wore the foreskin away
 of uncircumcised Ray,
Through exuberance, tightness and malice.

*          *          * 
  
A right-handed writer named Wright
In writing 'write' always wrote 'rite',
 When he meant to write 'write'.
 If he'd written 'write' right,
Wright would not have wrought rot writing 'write'.

Said a boy to his teacher one day,
'Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say.'
 And the teacher replied,
 As the error she eyed,
'Right! Wright: write "rite" right, right away!'

*          *          *

A decrepit old gasman named Peter,
While hunting around his gas heater,
 Touched a leak with his light.
 He rose out of sight——
And, as anyone who knows anything about
 poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.